The Self-Care Alibi · also called avoidance rebrand
am I setting a boundary or just avoiding the conversation
The self-care alibi is dressing avoidance in therapeutic language so it stops looking like cowardice. Ghosting a hard conversation becomes "protecting my peace." Quitting on a commitment becomes "listening to my body." The words change nothing about the outcome — the call still doesn’t happen — but they let you feel virtuous about not making it.
Say the plain sentence out loud — "I ghosted him" — and watch how fast the noble feeling disappears.
What to do about it
Before you use a self-care phrase to explain a decision, say out loud what you actually did without the phrase — "I ghosted him" instead of "I set a boundary." If the plain sentence embarrasses you, the alibi was covering something.
Books that work on this
Each is a 90-day programme. Start with the first — later books assume the work in the earlier ones.
No Ghost Replies$6.99
The Connection Blueprint$6.99
Marriage Is Job$6.99
Stop Lying Conflict$6.99
Friendship At Forty$6.99
The Loneliness Problem$6.99
Guard The Gate$6.99
Direct Is Kinder$6.99Part of the Connection series.
How people say it
Nobody looks this up by its clinical name. These are the ways it actually gets said.
- am I setting a boundary or just avoiding the conversation
- why does calling it self-care make me feel better about quitting
- I ghosted someone and called it protecting my peace
- is this actually a boundary or am I just scared
- I keep using therapy words to excuse bailing on people
- how to tell if I am avoiding something instead of healing from it
- why do I feel proud of decisions I know are cowardly
- using self-care as an excuse to not show up
Written by Brian Spiker, who has run Spiker Carpet and Tile Care since 2013 — the receipts. More terms in the encyclopedia.