The Reciprocity Ledger · also called keeping score in kindness
why do I keep track of what I do for people
The reciprocity ledger is a quiet mental tally of favors given — the ride, the listening ear, the last-minute help — kept without ever saying so, and cashed in as resentment the moment it is not matched. The other person never agreed to the exchange rate, because they never even knew a ledger existed.
You have been keeping the books on this friendship for a year. They didn’t know they had an account.
What to do about it
The next time you feel resentment building toward someone you have helped, say what you actually need from them directly instead of waiting for them to guess.
Books that work on this
Each is a 90-day programme. Start with the first — later books assume the work in the earlier ones.
Keep The Three$6.99
The Connection Blueprint$6.99
Marriage Is Job$6.99
Stop Lying Conflict$6.99
Friendship At Forty$6.99
The Loneliness Problem$6.99
Guard The Gate$6.99
Direct Is Kinder$6.99Part of the Connection series.
How people say it
Nobody looks this up by its clinical name. These are the ways it actually gets said.
- why do I keep track of what I do for people
- I resent people who don’t give back the way I gave
- I help everyone and feel like nobody gives back equally
- I keep score in relationships without meaning to
- why do I feel used even though I offered to help
- I give and give and quietly wait for it to be returned
- I get resentful when the favor isn’t reciprocated
- why does helping people leave me feeling bitter instead of good
Written by Brian Spiker, who has run Spiker Carpet and Tile Care since 2013 — the receipts. More terms in the encyclopedia.