Reloading Instead Of Listening · also called arguing to win, not to hear
why do I argue to win instead of to understand
Reloading instead of listening is spending the other person’s turn to speak building your next rebuttal instead of actually hearing what they are saying. The mouth stays quiet, but the mind is loading the next argument, which means a conversation run this way is really two monologues aimed at each other instead of one exchange.
You weren’t listening. You were reloading. Ask yourself what they actually said and you will not be able to answer.
What to do about it
In your next disagreement, try repeating back what the other person just said, in their words, before you say anything of your own.
Books that work on this
Each is a 90-day programme. Start with the first — later books assume the work in the earlier ones.
The Hard Talk$6.99
The Connection Blueprint$6.99
Marriage Is Job$6.99
Stop Lying Conflict$6.99
Friendship At Forty$6.99
The Loneliness Problem$6.99
Guard The Gate$6.99
Direct Is Kinder$6.99Part of the Connection series.
How people say it
Nobody looks this up by its clinical name. These are the ways it actually gets said.
- I’m already planning my response while someone is still talking
- why do I argue to win instead of to understand
- I can’t remember what my partner said because I was rebutting in my head
- I listen for the gap to jump in, not to actually hear them
- my arguments are about being right, not being understood
- why do fights feel like two people talking past each other
- I rehearse my comeback instead of hearing the other person out
- how do I actually listen during an argument instead of preparing to respond
Written by Brian Spiker, who has run Spiker Carpet and Tile Care since 2013 — the receipts. More terms in the encyclopedia.