Depth Avoidance · also called the untested closeness
why do I keep my closest relationships surface level
Depth avoidance is deliberately keeping a relationship at a comfortable, surface level — sports, weather, safe jokes — because testing whether it would hold up under real weight feels riskier than never finding out. The relationship stays technically intact, but only because neither person has ever actually asked anything real of it.
You keep it shallow because shallow can’t fail the test you’re too afraid to give it.
What to do about it
Ask one person you suspect is close to you for something slightly harder than usual, and pay attention to what you learn from their answer.
Books that work on this
Each is a 90-day programme. Start with the first — later books assume the work in the earlier ones.
Show Up Twice$6.99
No Forever Friends$6.99
The Adult Relationship$6.99
Keep The Three$6.99
Show Up Married$6.99
The Purpose Blueprint$6.99
Find Your Fight$6.99
Midlife Is Audit$6.99Part of the Connection series.
How people say it
Nobody looks this up by its clinical name. These are the ways it actually gets said.
- I have friends but I don’t know who would actually show up for me
- why do I keep my closest relationships surface level
- I’m scared to find out who would really be there in a crisis
- we talk all the time but never about anything real
- I avoid asking for real help because I’m afraid of the answer
- how do I know if a friendship is actually real or just comfortable
- I keep things light because deep down I don’t trust the relationship
- why am I afraid to test my closest friendships
Written by Brian Spiker, who has run Spiker Carpet and Tile Care since 2013 — the receipts. More terms in the encyclopedia.